We have a tendency to plan. It’s obnoxious, but we enjoy it.

After Valerie planned my marriage proposal to her, I insisted that we construct a financial plan first. I think we made our first budget before our first kiss. We planned our careers before we graduated. We planned our vacations before our careers. We planned our retirement before our first vacation. And I can recall a particular fall afternoon in the backyard hammock, we planned our kids. After all, you can’t plan retirement until you’ve planned for kids.

This type of planning comes natural to us. We have a great marriage and lovely home that we always planned to share. After we talked and prayed, we ultimately decided to adopt so that we could share our lives with children that might otherwise go without a nurturing home. Lucky for us, adopting from foster care requires a lot of planning. Home studies, trainings, inspections, supplies. We bought all the sippy cups, blankets and diapers that Target stocked. We even planned on fits, tantrums and rejection. We planned on identity issues. We planned on difficult conversations. We planned on being tired.

Twenty-one months ago, we received the placement of a newborn girl and a two year-old boy into our home. At last, the culmination of all of our planning had arrived. We pulled out sippy cups. We put on crib sheets. We unboxed car seats. We called family members. We steadied ourselves for the bumpy road ahead.

All in all, we handled the challenges as the months passed. We implemented the strategies. We worked towards the goals. And yet we found ourselves frustrated, bewildered and exhausted. So we fell back on what we knew best, we planned some changes. We read more books. We sought more help. We implemented new strategies. And we continued to be frustrated, bewildered and exhausted.

We thought our challenges might be the result of the things that had managed to slip through our planning. We knew things might not happen according to plan. We had even planned for it. We spent time coming to terms with the surprises, and yet we continued to feel frustrated, bewildered and exhausted.

Over the following months, we came to some realizations. In all our planning we had neglected one important component: us. Sure, we planned for us in the sense that we planned how we would fix problems, overcome challenges and facilitate our children’s healing. We even planned for us by going on date nights and spending quality time together. But all along we planned on being part of the solution. We simply never planned on also being part of the problem. And yet it had become abundantly clear that we were a significant part of the problem.

Don’t get me wrong – we’re not bad people or bad parents. Unfortunately, however, you don’t have to be a bad person or parent to worsen many of the challenges facing our children. Diet, time management, stress management, conflict resolution, attachment, sensory issues. We were able to handle these aspects of parenting in an acceptable manner according to society-at-large and nonetheless we were still not setting our children up to succeed, much less heal.

You see, the tough reality is that our children came to us with some history, and let’s just say that some of it was pretty tough stuff. As a result, they are in need of healing and they need parents willing and capable to lead them in that process. One of our major challenges has been the sobering realization that we must work on ourselves if we are going to be able to truly help our kids. We need to become better people and parents. We need to eat healthier. We need to manage our time better. We need to resolve conflict better. In the midst of conflict, we need to communicate and connect better. We need to play better. Most importantly, at the heart of the matter we have found that we have our own struggles, our own history, our own emotional and relational triggers and even our own attachment problems.

I know that many foster and adoptive parents bristle at the possibility that they are creating roadblocks in their child’s development. I’ve bristled at that possibility. I doubt many of us got into adoption or foster care thinking we would be part of the problem. In some sense, we probably thought we were going to fix someone else or at least remedy their circumstances. Yet, Valerie and I have found ourselves doing more than providing our children direction on this journey; we have found ourselves struggling beside them.

Therefore, as part of our own journey, we have sought out help. Seeking help isn’t easy, but going this journey alone isn’t easy either. So we have stayed connected with others through Tapestry. We have read books that question why we parent the way we do; or why we struggle to parent the way we want. We talk to each other. We challenge each other. We hold each other accountable. We forgive each other.

This journey isn’t difficult because it is rocket science. It is difficult because it challenges our identity, our character and our ability to truly love. By God’s grace and in His strength our kids need us to struggle to figure this out, so that we can be more equipped to help them figure it out. I don’t mean to imply that any of us must be perfect. After all, perfect parents are a myth, not a reality. Instead, we must be self-aware enough to see ourselves from another’s perspective. We must be humble enough to accept our own faults and frailty. We must be selfless enough to give up our confidence and security. We must be brave enough to change. We must be fearless enough to trust. After all, isn’t that the journey to which we are calling our children.

So no matter where you are in this journey, plan to ask yourself some tough questions – questions you may not have originally planned to ask. And plan to be a part of the problem, so that you can plan to offer a real solution.

Ira and Valerie Kirkley are parents to three lovely siblings. They recently finalized the adoption of two of their children. Ira has a background in Biblical Text and Adult Education. Valerie is a Certified Family Life Educator that formerly worked with at-risk teenagers. Unfortunately, none of it prepared them for parenthood. You can read more about their family’s adventure at www.fosteringfamily.com.

Also Found In: Challenges & Issues, Stories, Tapestry Blog