For over seven years, Tapestry has been walking alongside couples and singles that are exploring adoption. Some are just ‘kicking the tires’; others are ‘all in’ but still have questions, doubts and fears. If this is you (or someone you know), joining us for Adoption: Myths & Realities is a great next step.

On Tuesday, May 22, from 6:30 to 8:30 pm at Irving Bible Church, Tapestry will host the next Adoption: Myths and Realities. This free event is a great opportunity to find reliable information about adoption in a safe environment where you can ask and discuss your questions and concerns. During the event, Tapestry leaders Anthony & Kristin Violi will focus on some of the most common adoption myths and contrast them with the honest realities.

There is no cost to attend and you are not required to register. Childcare is available through IBC’s KidZone for ages 0 through 5th grade, but you will need to register online for childcare by 6:00 pm on Sunday. To register for childcare click here and sign-in to your existing ibcLink account (or, if you don’t have one, follow the steps to create an account). If you have any questions about how to use the ibcLink online registration system, contact Michelle Tibbatts (IBC KidZone Director) at mtibbatts@irvingbible.org or 972.560.4633 ext. 591.

For questions or more information about this event, contact Amy Monroe at tapestry@irvingbible.org.

We feel like we have been in the depths these past couple of days. A flurry of activity, a little sister’s birthday party, Mother’s Day events, scary blue monsters, bears, and ants waking us up in the middle of night (AKA nightmares), parents being accused of all manner of things (by the children), trying it again and again and again, and “time in” (as opposed to “time out”) have made for an exhausting weekend. The kind of weekend where you planned family time to celebrate a birthday and Mother’s Day, but your children just wanted their regular routine. And you are left trying to salvage the day without losing your mind. When will it end, we wonder? Will it end? Will we get back to normal again?

NT Wright offers this prayer: “Gracious Lord, when we are in the depths, come to us with your mercy and assure us of your power to rescue. And give us the patience to wait for you to do it.”

I mean that prayer to be directed at me, not my children. I need the Lord to rescue me from my exhaustion, impatience, and surly attitude so I can reconnect with my children. I have the knowledge; I have read the books; I have done the training. But can I keep my cool and recall what will best help my children or do I lose it?

Check out the Empowered To Connect resource library for lots of great resources for adoptive and foster dads.

I wrote the thoughts below last Mother’s Day.  As I celebrate this year the gift of being a mother to the four children I love so dearly, I will once again remember that they are each loved by other mothers too.  But more importantly, I will remember that we have been adopted by a Heavenly Father whose redeeming love has taken the broken pieces of our lives and fashioned them into something beautiful for His glory.

Tears flowed down my face today as I sat in church listening to our pastor read the most sincere and sensitive prayer I’ve ever heard offered on Mother’s Day. He started his prayer with thanksgiving to God for welcoming us into His family through adoption by the miracle of grace. He then continued by praying  for all mothers, specifically mentioning adoptive moms, those whose heart longs to become a mother but are experiencing infertility and those who don’t know their biological mothers. 

As I sat between my two oldest sons, each holding my hands, I couldn’t help but think about the mothers who gave them life and changed ours forever. These women, whom we hardly know, have never been more real and more close to my heart than they were today as I thought about their love, courage and selflessness. I wondered if they were thinking of their boys today. I wondered if their tears flowed and if their hearts ached. And I wondered if I might ever be able to fully express the depth of my love and gratitude for them, at least this side of heaven.

As the pastor prayed and as we continued to worship, I spent a few moments lifting each of them up in prayer. I prayed that our God of all comfort would continue to heal their hearts and give them a peace that assured them their children are deeply loved, and so are they.

For some adoptive moms it isn’t easy “sharing” Mother’s Day with our children’s birthmothers. But far from taking away from my role as my children’s mother, including their birthmothers in my thoughts and prayers on this special day somehow makes it and me more complete. I am my children’s mother and I forever will be. But as I was reminded recently by my six-year-old daughter, I am not the only mother they have.  If they have room in their hearts for more than one mother then so must I.  

I may not be my children’s only mother but I am the only one they can hug, give a homemade card to and say “I love you” to on this special day. So I will choose on this day (and in the days that follow) to pray and even let me heart ache a little for their other mothers. I am grateful for the gift I have been given — the privilege of loving and caring for the children God has blessed me with. My gain could not exist but for the loss that is always a part of adoption. So while this special day is about me, it is not “all” about me. I share it with a grateful heart with the women who allowed me to celebrate this special day with the children that we love.

Here is the prayer that Pastor Andy McQuitty prayed at Irving Bible Church on Mother’s Day 2011:

“Gracious God,

We thank you for adopting us into your family through the miracle of your grace, and for calling us to be brothers and sisters to each other.

Today, loving God, we pray for our mothers:

• who cared for us when we were helpless
• who comforted us when we were hurt
• whose love and care we often took for granted.

Today we pray for:

• those who are grieving the loss of their mother,
• those who never knew their biological mother, and now yearn for her
• those who have experienced the wonder of an adopted mother’s love
• those who long to be mothers but are struggling with infertility or waiting on adoption,
• and the families separated by war or conflict.
• Lord, comfort them and give them peace and hope.

Keep us united with you and with each other, so that we can be and become all that we are meant to be. Amen.”

This story appeared in the May 2012 issue of Adoption Today.  Click here to view the pdf version.

After this event, we started looking into agencies and countries. We started to pray (not that we hadn’t already been praying). We spent time deciding as individuals how we felt God leading us. We didn’t want one of us to influence the other, but let’s be honest if someone was going to push someone it was going to be me (Annie). I can be a little impatient; Scott, however, has no problem taking his time. Nevertheless, I set a deadline of Christmas 2006 for us to know where we were headed with our family.

Scott and I picked an agency and a country. We signed up for an Informational Session with the agency. The meeting was in December, so we were on track for our deadline. But, the session got canceled due to lack of interest; I guess Scott and I were the only ones interested. We felt a little dejected after that. Concurrently, one of the couples from the Tapestry Ministry that we met at the Adoption Myths & Realities event invited us over for dinner to discuss where we were in regards to adoption.

We met with the couple, and we told them about our canceled Informational Session. We also told them that we had reached the decision to adopt. We felt God calling us to start our family through adoption. The couple we met with suggested we look into another agency that dealt with the country we were considering. We took their advice and ended up signing up for an Information Session with the Gladney Agency. The session was scheduled for January 2007, and the rest is history. We adopted our daughter in December of 2008.

Attending Adoptions Myths & Realities was the first time we connected with other adoptive families, and the families we met walked with us through our entire adoption journey which formed a lasting connection that will forever be grateful for.

On Tuesday, May 22, from 6:30 to 8:30 pm at Irving Bible Church, Tapestry will host Adoption: Myths and Realities. This event is a great opportunity for people to find reliable information about adoption in a safe environment where they can ask and discuss their questions and concerns. The event is designed to be particularly valuable for those who are just beginning to consider adoption, as well as for those who still have difficult, unanswered questions. During the event, Tapestry leaders Anthony & Kristin Violi will discuss some of the most common adoption myths and contrast them with the honest realities.

If you have questions about adoption and/or you are trying to decide which path is right for your family, I highly suggest you attend this event. It’s helpful information and nice people – perfect!

Visit empoweredtoconnect.org for more free resources designed to offer help and hope for adoptive and foster families.

The way he described shame struck a cord with me:

“…the sensation of shame is so basic to the human condition that perhaps the most precise definition is the painfully acute awareness that something is wrong with me. It is the felt sensation of deep inadequacy…Shame can develop in children as young as eighteen months of age; some researchers suspect even sooner. This suggests that the sensation and experience of shame is active in the mind and body of a child before the development of language and logical, linear thought processes. In other words, nonverbal cues such as facial expression and tone of voice may make a child feel shame long before she can logically comprehend why she feels that way.”
Thompson M.D., Curt (2010-05-24). Anatomy of the Soul (p. 193). Tyndale House Publishers. Kindle Edition.

Then Thompson goes on to describe how we use rebukes (braking) appropriately, but if we do not help our child through those braking situations more issues can develop:

“Usually in this situation, however, a parent will quickly follow an abrupt rebuke with an expression of affection or an explanation to help the child make sense of his or her action. However, when this form of braking is not followed by a clear behavioral or logical reconnection, the child feels shame, which can lead to a barren wasteland of emotional confusion. This whiplash shift between the sympathetic and parasympathetic systems can become wired so tightly in the child that the affect of shame is automatically triggered at the slightest hint of perceived disapproval.”
Thompson M.D., Curt (2010-05-24). Anatomy of the Soul (p. 194). Tyndale House Publishers. Kindle Edition.

I would hate for any child to find themself in the “barren wasteland of emotional confusion.” And I know none of you are guilty of reacting out of exhaustion (the kind where you are woken up about 4-5 times in a hour only to experience it again 4 hours later and you start to think your children hate you and sleep), but if you have perhaps experienced a weak moment, then I recommend reading Anatomy of the Soul to find out more on shame, rupture, repair and yourself. While my posts have focused on relating to my children, there is more in Thompson book about recognizing what is going on with yourself and how to foster growth for yourself not just your children. It is definitely one of those books that I’ll find myself consulting again and again as I grow in all my relationships.

Don’t forget, Curt Thompson (author of Anatomy of the Soul) will be the featured speaker at the 2012 Tapestry Adoption & Foster Care Conference on October 27, 2012.  Be sure to mark your calendars now to join us for this free all-day conference at Irving Bible Church.

This summer, I will host a six-week discussion group for adoptive and foster moms (and moms-to-be) to talk our way through the Created To Connect Study Guide.  This group will meet on Tuesday evenings, starting June 12^th, from 6:30 to 8:30 pm, in West C & D at Irving Bible Church. Free childcare for ages birth through 5^th grade is available with advanced registration. Training certificates will also be available.

The only cost to participate is the cost to purchase The Connected Child (which is available on Amazon.com for around $12). The Created To Connect Study Guide is available free online, or printed and bound copies can be purchased at the first meeting for $7.95 each.

All adoptive and foster moms and moms-to-be are invited participate in this discussion group, which is sure to be helpful and encouraging to all women who are on the adoption or foster care journey. I hope you will make plans to attend all six sessions.

If you plan to participate in this discussion group, please let me know by emailing me at tapestry@irvingbible.org. But hurry, space is limited.

But sometimes it feels easier to love Maggie more, especially when I am on the receiving end of a rant or have been found lacking: Elise, “Mom, I wish she was my mom (pointing to random neighbor in middle of the street) because she’s better at blowing bubbles.” Logic did not work here about how I was given a defective bottle of bubbles. A full day later and after blowing bubbles for 20 minutes, Elise recanted and said I was the best mom. Whew, glad I got that fixed. (Maggie just doesn’t have enough words to offer her criticism of me – yet.)

So, as I have muddled over this question, I read the chapter on attachment in Curt Thompson’s book Anatomy of the Soul and found some relief:

“Each child is born into the world with a certain genetically predetermined temperament to which the parent reacts. This parental reaction then elicits the particular attachment pattern that the child tends to develop with each parent. That explains why no two siblings ever really grow up in the same home. For no two children have exactly the same temperament, so each elicits different emotional reactions from his or her parents…An attachment pattern, therefore, is relationship specific.”

I have five siblings, so this really resonated with me. My siblings and I are all different, and I have often said out loud, “Didn’t we grow up in the same home?” We did, but we all have had our own unique experiences because we each have our own relationships with our parents and with each other.

So I think I’ve been pondering a null question and confusing my love with our attachment or how we relate to each other. Will I love my children the same? Of course, I love both my children, but I do have different relationships with each of them. (Maybe I need to work on some of the emotional reactions our relationships elicit, but that’s a whole different post.) I relate differently to Maggie and Elise not because one entered my family through adoption and the other through birth, but because they are different people. And I understand now that that’s okay.

BTW, Curt Thompson (author of Anatomy of the Soul) will be the featured speaker at the 2012 Tapestry Adoption & Foster Care Conference on October 27, 2012.  Be sure to mark your calendars now to join us for this free all-day conference at Irving Bible Church.

This Saturday, April 21, from 6:30 to 8:30 pm, Tapestry will host Dr. Anu Partap, Director of the Foster Care Clinic at Children’s Medical Center in Dallas, who will offer insights and solutions to help adoptive and foster parents better understand and meet the holistic needs of their children. Dr. Partap will address the role of medical practitioners, therapists, and more by focusing on the tools parents need to help their children heal and thrive. The event will also feature a panel of adoptive and foster parents that will discuss their experiences in employing a holistic approach, and will conclude with a question and answer time.

Training certificates will be available. There is no need for adults to register to attend.

Childcare is available for this event through IBC’s KidZone for ages 0 through 5th grade with online registration by 6 pm on Thursday, April 19; however, space is limited. To register for childcare click here and sign-in to your existing ibcLink account (or, if you don’t have one, follow the steps to create an account). You will register for the “Tapestry Meeting (4/21/12).” If you have any questions about childcare registration or how to use the ibcLink online registration system, contact Michelle Tibbatts (IBC KidZone Director) at mtibbatts@irvingbible.org.

If you want to learn more about focusing on the whole child, watch Dr. Karyn Purvis in this brief video from Empowered To Connect as she explains why this type of focus and approach is so important for adoptive and foster families: