It was an innocent and seemingly simple question, but then again I’ve learned there’s really no such thing for adoptive families. 

“Are you all brothers and sisters?” Bert asked in his fake British accent as Mary Poppins looked on with her painted on grin.  We had spent the entire day as a family at Disneyland and this was our last character encounter before we called it a day.  Used to, I would have jumped in to intercept such a question, especially one from a complete stranger.  After all, this question is exactly the type of curious inquiry that could elicit an overwhelmingly complex answer from a sibling group of four such as ours.  I know because “simple” questions like this have tripped me up on more than one occasion.  

Several years back I took all of the kids to get haircuts.  While one of the boys was in the chair, the others were sitting close by playing games.  One of the other stylists started to make conversation and then asked, “So, are they all brothers and sisters?”  I knew what she was asking – she wanted to know if they are all biologically related.  More to the point, her question was inviting me to tell her more about their stories. But in that moment I forgot one of the foundational principles that is so important for adoptive parents: we should always answer questions, even (maybe especially) “simple” ones, with our kids first and foremost in mind. 

In this instance I failed to do that.  Instead, I started to answer this stranger’s question, forgetting that our answers must always affirm what we know to be true: we are a “real” family and my kids are “real” brothers and sisters.  “No…” I said, intending to explain that our oldest two boys were each adopted as infants and our youngest two are biological twins.  But as soon as the word “no” left my lips one of my older boys immediately stopped playing his game and looked up at me.  His confused expression said it all.  It was as if he was saying, “What do you mean we aren’t brothers and sisters? Of course we are.”  I had blown it, and I knew it.

At that point I knew I had to repair my mistake, so I quickly finished my explanation to the stylist about how we came to be the unique family that we are, and then I pulled my son aside.  I told him that I didn’t answer the lady’s question very well.  “There is only one answer to her question about whether you are all brothers and sisters, and that is “Yes!” I explained.  I asked him to forgive me and I reassured him that our bond with each other is every bit as real and strong as that of any other family.  We talked for a bit and I was quickly put at ease.  My son understood (and forgave me for) the mistake I had made.  In fact, my mistake had actually allowed for a great conversation and an opportunity for both him and me to learn and connect.

So imagine my delight, and more than a little bit of pride, when all four of the kids answered Bert’s question in unison with a simple “Yes!”  Looking satisfied, though a bit confused, Bert replied, “Very well then, gather round and let’s take your picture,” as Michael and I looked on. 

For our family, we know there are no simple questions, and even fewer simple answers.  But for every question, there is an answer that affirms that we are a family and that we fully belong to each other.

Want to learn more about talking with your kids about adoption?  Make plans to join us for the next Tapestry educational event – Message Sent, Message Perceived: Talking About Adoption from Two Perspectives – on Saturday, April 16, from 6:30 to 8:30 pm at Irving Bible Church.  For more details or to register for childcare, visit www.tapestryevents.org.

Amy Monroe and her husband Michael serve on Tapestry’s Leadership Team. Amy contributes to the Tapestry Blog regularly in her column, A Mother’s Heart.

Also Found In: A Mother's Heart, Talking About Adoption, Tapestry Blog

Tags: Amy Monroe